Conflict conversations
You can feel your stress levels rising. The adrenaline is kicking in: your breathing is shallower, your heart rate elevated. You re-check your notes. Again. Your alarm goes off. It’s time to have that tricky conversation. Last time you did this, it didn’t go well, despite your preparation. This one will probably be the same. You take a deep breath and welcome your staff member.
Managing conflict is a common everyday situation. Even so, they’re hard. People avoid them. Whole books have been written about the art of it. As a leader, you are responsible to hold those tough conversations (which is why it’s an essential part of our workshops, and why it’s a hot topic in our coaching practice). Whether the impact is day to day (pair programming, picking the best architecture, prioritising work) to more significant (performance improvement plans, organisation restructure, violating company policies), you do your best to prepare and aim for the best outcome.
Why can these conversations fail, despite the best preparations?
Just like the sources of conflict don’t happen in a vacuum, the conversation doesn’t either. The context must be considered: what has gone before that led up to this point, what are either side thinking the outcome might be (and is this aligned), as well as conducting the conversation itself.
When we consider the events that have led up to this moment, this doesn’t just mean interactions and activities that have taken place at work, it also includes having an understanding of any impacts on your colleague’s personal life that might be chewing up their resilience (births, deaths, marriages, kids, illness, moving house, etc), as well as similar considerations in your own life.
However, I think it’s also vital to make a conscious effort to observe how you, and the individuals on your team respond to stress.
The stress response: fight/flight/freeze/fawn
Knowing what to look for when examining your own state of stress, and that of others, can help you prepare and tailor any tough conversation to account for emotional state, not just rational words.
When you perceive a threat, your body triggers a psychological response to keep you safe and get you out of harm’s way. While you might be familiar with “fight or flight”, this is only half of the picture. There is also the “freeze” and the “fawn” response. The web site version of this article goes into these in more depth here: https://blackmill.co/resources/conflicting-conversations
In all cases, to help the other person move past the sense of threat and into a more open mindset, let them know how they will benefit from the conversation. This also increases their resilience to handle the discomfort of a challenging topic.
The conversation
Now you can understand different ways that people may respond to stress, how does that help you with your upcoming conflict conversation?
- Prepare - what do you need to do in advance to make you both ready for the best possible outcome?
- Meet - what tools do you have in the moment to support you both?
- Followup - for any conversation to stick and result in a change in behaviour, you want to allow time to gather feedback, and opportunities to provide any necessary support.
The web site version of this article has more details on these three too: https://blackmill.co/resources/conflicting-conversations
Summary
For a tough conversation to go well, there’s more to it than just finding the right words. Understanding how stress impacts people in different ways and the biological imperative of the emotional response can prepare yourself, and others, for the best chance of success.
How do you feel about conflict conversations?