Mistakes and self-compassion
I recently replied to a group email in a way that confused everyone. It wasn't my usual work day and due to overseas time zones, I thought I would respond promptly to this enquiry. Turns out that multi-tasking by trying to get the kids out the door and responding to a work email is a recipe for disaster. No one in the group email seemed to mind but I kicked myself for days for making that mistake. But if my child or teammate makes a mistake, I would say to them it is "ok to make mistakes, we're all human and are not perfect, try to learn from it". Easier said than done when it's my own mistake. Most people say they are significantly more compassionate, understanding, and kinder to other people than they are to themselves. Especially when they make a mistake or fail in some way. Self criticism is often seen as heroic, maybe even noble. Many people think it is the shortest path to self-improvement. But is it?
Being compassionate to others involves being open and empathetic to their suffering and wanting to ease their distress. It also involves offering patience, kindness and non-judgmental understanding to others. It is recognising that we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Self-compassion is the same, just turned inward.
Lack of self-compassion has been linked with poorer health and a weaker immune system. The main blocker to self-compassion is the belief we need to hard on ourselves. We might be concerned that if we are kind to ourselves, we won't get anything done. We can often get stuck in a self-critical cycle, resulting in anxiety, anger or depression. We can counteract this emotional suffering with self-compassion.
Self-compassion is linked to reducing anxiety and depression. People who practice self-compassion are more socially connected to others, calmer, and feel more fulfilled. They have better coping mechanisms to deal with failure and are less likely to fear failure. Self-compassion is positively associated with the ability to learn, grow, and achieve mastery.
Think about the last time you made a mistake or failed at something. Maybe a setback that happened a long time ago. What was your inner voice saying? There are many ways of building self-compassion. By practicing ways to be easier on ourselves, we can begin to cultivate an attitude of kindness, warmth, concern, understanding, and strength within us, and then use this attitude to respond to our own struggles, rather than reverting to our usual self-critical habits. Like for example, being kinder to ourselves after the holiday season. And with that, happy holidays and a happy new year!